Don’t forget the brothers & sisters
Siblings of a child with additional needs carry a lot too — love and pride, but often worry, jealousy and a quiet sense of coming second. This is an honest guide to what brothers and sisters feel, how to spot the one who is quietly struggling, what to say about the diagnosis at each age, and the small, doable things that help them feel just as seen.
What do brothers and sisters carry when one child needs more?
Siblings of a child with additional needs usually carry a mix: real love and protectiveness, genuine pride, and alongside it jealousy of the attention, worry about their brother or sister, embarrassment at times, and a quiet sense that their own needs come second. None of that means your family has gone wrong.
When one child needs a large share of a family’s time, energy and worry, the others feel it — even when every adult in the house is doing their best. Most siblings cannot put those feelings into words, so they show up as behaviour instead.
Many take on more than their years. They help out, keep the peace, and become “the easy one” who never adds to the load. Some grow intensely responsible. Others act out, because being told off is still being noticed. Both are ordinary responses to the same situation, and both respond well to a little deliberate attention.
It also helps to know that the clinical weight is not yours alone to carry. Part of what a children’s therapy centre in Multan is for is to take work off the family — to explain what is happening, set the next small target, and give you a home plan that fits a real week. The lighter that load is on you, the more of you is left for everyone else in the house.
How do I know if my other child is struggling?
Children rarely say “I feel left out”. It shows up sideways: clinginess or tears, going quiet and withdrawn, more anger than usual, a slide at school, tummy aches or trouble sleeping — or the child who suddenly becomes faultless and asks for nothing at all.
Look for a change rather than a trait. A shy child who has always been shy is not the signal; a chatty child who has gone quiet for a month is. The same goes for sleep, appetite, school reports and how they are with friends.
The easiest one to miss is the child who seems completely fine. Sometimes that is genuine. Sometimes it is a child who worked out that you already have enough on your plate. In our waiting room in Model Town, the sibling who sits perfectly still with a book for an hour is often the one worth checking on first.
Watch for what they have stopped asking for, too — a friend over, a class they wanted to join, help with homework. Quietly dropping their own requests is one of the earliest signs a child has decided they come second. If you would like a plainer picture of how children make sense of change and worry at different ages, how your child’s mind grows and changes is a good companion read.
- A change that has lasted a few weeks — not a bad day or a hard week.
- Being “too good” — never complaining, never asking, never any bother.
- Body worries — tummy aches, headaches, bedtime dread, poor sleep.
- School — grades slipping, friendship trouble, not wanting to go.
- Anger that lands on the sibling — or on you, which is often safer for them.
What actually helps a sibling feel seen?
Small and regular beats big and rare. Ten or fifteen minutes of your full attention, doing something they chose, several times a week does more than an expensive day out once a year. Predictability is the active ingredient — a child who can name when their turn comes stops competing for it.
Let them have the uncomfortable feelings. A child who admits they are jealous, or that they sometimes wish things were different, is being honest, not unkind — and honesty is far healthier than a child bottling it up out of guilt. “It makes complete sense that you feel that way” lands better than “don’t say that about your brother”.
Protect their own life. Friends, mess, a class of their own, downtime. Give them small, age-appropriate ways to help if they want them, but never hand them responsibility for their sibling.
Keep them informed at their level, so their imagination does not fill the gaps with something worse than the truth. And when the hard moments come round again — bedtimes, mealtimes, haircuts, leaving the house — having a plan helps the whole house, not only the child being supported. Our notes on handling common situations at home give you something to try rather than something to endure.
- Tomorrow morning: five minutes alone with them before the day starts — no phone, no instructions.
- Name the time: “Thursday after school is our half hour.” A time they can count down to.
- Let them choose: their game, their topic, even if it is dull. The choosing is the point.
- Notice out loud: “You waited so patiently today, and I saw it.”
- Keep one thing that is only theirs: a class, a friendship, a corner of the room the little one cannot wreck.
How do I explain the diagnosis to my other children?
Tell them the truth, in the fewest words their age needs, and leave the door open. A young child needs something concrete and reassuring. An older child can take more detail. Every age needs the same three reassurances: it is nobody’s fault, you cannot catch it, and you are loved every bit as much.
A one-off big talk rarely works. Children process a bit at a time and come back weeks later with the question they were actually worried about. Answer as it comes, keep it honest, and “I don’t know yet” is a perfectly good answer.
For a young child, something like: “Adil’s brain works in its own way, so talking is tricky for him. We’re helping him practise. It’s nobody’s fault, and you can’t catch it.” For an older child, give the real word — autism, speech delay, ADHD — because they will search it anyway, and it is better they hear it from you first.
Give a school-aged child a sentence they can use with friends, so they are not caught out in the playground. Something short and unembarrassed: “My brother finds talking hard, so he goes to therapy for it.” Practise it once together and it stops being a dreaded moment.
If the diagnosis is recent and you are still working out who to tell and what to say, our guide to the first weeks after a diagnosis walks through the same ground for the adults in the house.
Is it fair to ask them to help — or is that too much?
Helping is healthy; being responsible is not. A child who fetches a toy, plays a turn-taking game or holds a hand in the car is included, and that is good for both of them. A child who is left in charge, does the calming down, or plans their day around their sibling has been given an adult’s job.
The line is easy to test. Can they say no without the house falling apart? Can they leave the room? Is anyone else the backup? If the answer is no, the load has quietly shifted onto them.
In many households here the eldest daughter takes the weight first. Tum bari ho, sabar karo — you are the older one, be patient — is said with love and still costs something, especially when it is repeated for years. Ask yourself what you are asking of her that you would not ask of a niece the same age.
You can roll it back gently. Name it out loud, so she knows you noticed: “You have been doing too much for Ahmad. That is my job, not yours.” Then give one of her tasks to an adult, put one thing back in her week that is purely hers, and check she has not just picked up a quieter job instead.
And if you are the parent doing nearly all of it, this is the same problem one floor up. Looking after yourself while caring for your child is about the same maths: nobody in the family should be running the whole thing alone.
Should my other children come to therapy sessions?
Sometimes, and for a specific reason. A brother or sister can be a wonderful practice partner — turn-taking, requesting, a shared game — and children often work harder for a sibling than for an adult. What we never do is turn a child into a co-therapist, or ask them to manage their sibling’s behaviour.
When a sibling joins, we keep the job tiny and fun: one game, one skill, a few minutes. Their role is to be a playmate who happens to be doing therapy, not a helper with targets to hit. If it stops being fun, it stops.
Bringing a sibling along can also settle their imagination. Children who have never seen the room often picture something frightening — hospitals, injections, being told off. Ten minutes of seeing a table, some toys and a friendly adult usually ends that idea for good.
It is also a chance for them to ask us something they may not want to ask you — whether their brother will always be like this, or whether they will have to look after him one day. We answer honestly, at their level, and we do not promise things nobody can promise.
Is there anything good in growing up alongside a sibling with additional needs?
Often, yes. Many siblings grow up noticeably empathetic, patient and quick to stand up for someone being left out. But that growth is not automatic. It tends to appear where a child felt seen and supported — not where they were simply expected to cope.
So take the good seriously without using it to wave away the hard parts. Both are true at once, and a child who hears only the bright version learns that the difficult half is not welcome in the conversation.
The bond itself is worth tending. Shared jokes, a game only the two of them play, a job they do together — small shared things build a relationship that outlasts childhood and, in many families here, will matter for decades.
On the days when none of this feels true, our little reminders for hard days are written for exactly that moment.
When should I get more help for my other child?
Speak to someone if low mood, anxiety or anger has lasted more than a few weeks, if school has slipped, if sleep or appetite has changed, or if they say something that worries you. Start with their class teacher or your family doctor. You do not need to wait until it is serious to ask.
Most siblings do well with honesty and a bit of protected attention at home. A smaller group needs someone outside the family to talk to, and that is a normal thing to arrange, not a failure of parenting.
We are a children’s therapy and developmental centre, not a family counselling service, so we will say plainly when a sibling needs something we do not provide — a child counsellor, a clinical psychologist, or their school’s pastoral support. Where a sibling’s own development or learning is the concern rather than their feelings, that is squarely our work and we will tell you that too.
Practical questions about assessments, how sessions run and what we can and cannot help with are answered in the questions parents ask us most. If you would rather talk it through with a person, contact our team in Model Town, Multan by phone or WhatsApp — a short conversation costs you nothing but ten minutes.
اردو · Bhai behen bhi thak jate hain. Agar aap ka doosra bacha chup ho gaya hai, ya keh raha hai “mujhe koi nahi dekhta”, to woh nakhra nahi kar raha. Usay bhi thora waqt chahiye — sirf uska. Roz das minute kaafi hain, lekin roz. (Brothers and sisters get tired too. If your other child has gone quiet, or says nobody notices them, they are not being difficult — they need a little time that is only theirs. Ten minutes a day is enough, as long as it is every day.)
Questions parents ask about siblings
My other child is jealous of the attention their sibling gets. Is that normal?
Completely normal and very common. When one child needs more time and support, the others notice, and jealousy is an honest response — not a sign of a mean or ungrateful child. Allow the feeling rather than shame it, and protect small pockets of one-to-one time that are only theirs. Feeling seen softens jealousy far more reliably than being told not to feel it.
My eldest daughter has become a second mother to her brother. How do I roll that back?
Gently, and out loud. Tell her you have noticed and that this is your job, not hers. Then move one of her regular tasks to an adult, put one thing back in her week that is purely her own, and check a few weeks later that she has not quietly picked up a different job instead. Small, age-appropriate helping can stay — the responsibility should not.
My other child is teased at school about their brother. What do I say?
Give them one short, unembarrassed sentence to use, and practise it together so it is ready: “My brother finds talking hard, so he goes to therapy.” Then tell the class teacher, because teasing that keeps happening is a school matter, not something a child should manage alone. And make sure they know they are allowed to be upset about it at home.
My other child seems totally fine — should I still check in?
Yes, gently. The child who never complains is sometimes genuinely fine and sometimes a child who learned not to add to your load. A low-key one-to-one moment and a simple “how are you finding things at home?” tells them their feelings have room too. You are not planting a problem by asking; you are opening a door they can use later.
How do I split my time fairly when one child needs so much more?
Fair does not mean equal minutes — it means nobody is forgotten. Aim for predictable rather than balanced: a named, repeating pocket of time that belongs to each child. Children cope well with “less” when they can count on “when”. What they cannot cope with is not knowing whether their turn is coming at all.
My children fight constantly and one of them does not understand the other. What helps?
Explain the behaviour, not just the rule. “He grabs because he cannot ask yet, and we are teaching him to ask” gives a child something to work with. Protect their belongings with a shelf or box that is genuinely out of reach, keep a few short activities the two of them can succeed at together, and let ordinary sibling squabbling be ordinary.
Are there sibling support groups in Multan?
Formal sibling groups are far easier to find in some countries than here, and we are not aware of an established one in Multan. Ask your child’s school about pastoral support, and ask other parents you meet at appointments — informal connections between families often do the same job. Meeting one other child in the same position lifts a surprising amount.
I feel guilty about my other children. Is that normal?
Very. Almost every parent in this position describes it, usually in both directions at once — guilt about the child who needs more, and guilt about the ones who get less. Guilt is not a useful instruction, but it is a good signal. Turn it into one small, repeatable thing this week rather than a promise you cannot keep.
Supporting your whole family
Helping one child shouldn’t mean the others go unseen. If you’d like a hand thinking it through — for any of your children — message us. We’re glad to help.
MPS Road, Block A Model Town, Multan (near Bloomfield Hall School, Street No. 2) · Mon–Sat, 10 AM – 7 PM